The Goth Haven Cultural Museum
Way beyond closing time, around mid-night.
It's raining outside.
A caped man breaks in the museum & disables the security system quite easily. He is there for the fabled mystical technological artifact, the Blue Winged Mongoose Gem of Whatanobi. For which its mysticalness is only eclipsed by its technologicalness.
"Halt, base villain. For I am the hero that stalks villains like you in the night. I am, Ham-Boy!" Ham-Boy said from the second balcony. Lightning strikes. The man looks up, Ham-Boy jumps down the ground floor, a pillow of pork patted his fall.
"You can't stop me, Spam-Boy. For I am Cliché." He said as stood there triumphly. He looked to have stepped straight out of a mid-nineties comic book.
"Who ?" Ham-Boy said.
"I am Cliché, I can't believe you haven't heard of me, I'm an up & coming major player in the super villain world. Ever since I was a little boy growing up in rural kansas, I have loved comic books but found that they mostly worked off of clichés. So, after my parents were killed by a mugger & I was sent to live with my aunt & uncle in suburb of Parodipolis. My uncle was shot by the same mugger trying to protect my aunt. I found out that day that my life was just one big comic book cliché. Because the super villains always had the better clichés, I became the super villain known as Cliché."
Lightning strikes.
"Thank you, Mr. one minute life story. But, why are you here ?"
"I am here to steal the mystical, technological Blue Winged Mongoose Gem of Whatanobi that is here on loan to the museum. For which its mysticalness is only eclipsed by its technologicalness."
"Why ?"
"I don't know, I'm not a specialist on gem. "
"No, why are you stealing the Gem ?"
"Oh, that's just what villains do !"
"I can't let you do that."
"Why ?" Cliché said sarcastically.
Ham-Boy hit him square in the jaw, knocking him out. "That would be wrong, that's why."
"Ow, that hurt." HB said as he felt the throbbing pain in his hand.
He walks over to the display case which the gem is being held in to see what all the fuss was about. HB hears a noise & his Ham-Sense goes off.
"Let's do the time warp... Hey, where did you go ?" said a person from the darkness.
"Right here!"
The person turns around to just see a fist coming straight for there face, the person drops to the floor.
"Ow! I know super heroes punch villains but that hurts." HB said as walks over & picks up the gem.
"I wonder what they were going to do with this." HB thought as he looked at the gem, then he walks over to look at who he just punched. She had a black cape on & under the cape she was dressed in all green. The only thing that wasn't green was her skin & blond hair.
"Excuse us !" Ham-Boy heard from behind him, three times at the same time. He turns to see three identical twins. The twins wore similar costumes but each were changed a bit.
"Yes."
"We are here for the gem & our teammate." They all said.
"I can let you have her but not the gem. It's museum property."
"We will have the gem, the Patriarch demands it."
"Who ?"
"Our Boss. Boulder smash."
"Is your boss's name Patriarch or Boulder Smash ?"
"The Patriarch. We were just telling our teammate, Boulder, to smash you."
Ham-Boy turns to see a large man who looked to be made of stone & the last thing HB sees before he blacks out is a rock like fist hit him.
-----------
The east-side of Goth Haven, near the docks.
Far from the Museum.
Nighttime, about 4 a.m.
It's still raining.
A pudgy looking man is running. He is out of breath but keeps running. In an alleyway that he thinks is safe, he stops to catch his breath.
"I...I.. I've got... got to... to Ham-Boy, he is in danger." Said the man, a bit winded. He is wearing a lab coat, his brown hair is balding, he is also sweating.
"Yes, he is & so are you." said a voice from above him in a heavy russian accent.
The man looks up & sees someone he hoped he never see, The Grey Death, one of E.C.O.L.I.'s assassins. She is clad in black leather. The man starts to run again for he knows that if he stays, he would die. She runs after him, the man can hear her behind him, her high heeled shoes make a certain type of noise.
The Grey Death throws a knife at him, it pins his lab coat to a wall.
"Please don't kill me. I have a wife & kids." He said as he struggled to get away.
"So." she says in a heavy russian accent. "You ran away from E.C.O.L.I. & you were not to. We told you if you did what would happen."
"I had to warn him."
"What you were just going to call Ham-Boy & tell him he is in danger ?"
"No."
"What were you going to do ?"
"I don't know, I just had to warn him."
"Any last words before I kill you ?" Grey Death asked.
"No."
"Good." She said as she takes her knife out of his lab coat & slits his throat.
The man falls to the ground & she wipes the blood off the blade with the corner of his lab-coat, then she gets her cell phone out & dials.
"Hello. This is Grey Death, the mission is done. Mr. Elliot will not be telling anyone anything."
She listens to what is said on the other end.
"Yes, Patriarch. Thank you. All for E.C.O.L.I." She said & raised her arm when she said the last part.
She hangs up & puts her phone back into her pocket & walks away like nothing happened. She has to meet up with the rest of her team.
-----------------
Back at the Museum:
"Uhh. Did anyone get the number of that truck that hit me ?" Ham-Boy said as he woke up. From the light coming in from the stain glass windows, he could tell it was morning. HB looking at his watch, he found out that it was around 7 a.m.
"Excuse me, vigilante. Can I ask you some questions ?" Said a man, dressed in a double breasted dark blue suit, he had a light tan trench coat on over the suit, his coat & brown hair was a bit wet.
"My name isn't Vigilante, it's Ham-Boy."
"Ah, yes. Earth's Meaty-est Hero. So, Hammy. Can I ask you some questions ?"
"Why ?" HB said, just wanting to go home.
"I'm Rolland Stone, ace reporter for the Goth Haven Times. I'd like to question you on the break in last night. From the looks of it, you're the only eye witness still here."
"Yeah, what do you want to know ?"
"Anything & everything." Rolland said with his pad & pencil out ready to write.
"I got a tip last night that the Goth Haven Cultural Museum would have a break in.."
"From who ?"
"A friend. I came over & found that the security system was disabled & the villain, Cliché...."
"The villain who feels that his whole life was or is just one big comic book cliché. Go on ?"
"Yeah, I stopped him from stealing the gem."
"The Blue Winged Mongoose Gem of Whatanobi."
"Yeah, that one. Then I find out that someone had already taken it. A woman dressed all in green except for a black cape, she tried to use the gem on me but I stopped her, I have no idea why she would want to use it on me. Then, I met her teammates, a triad of twins & a man made of stone named Boulder, he pounded me into the floor & that's about it."
"The only person missing was the Grey Death." Rolland said to himself.
"Who ?"
"Grey Death, Boulder, Threesome & Enchantra make of the group known as The Gravediggers, an elite death squad in the employment of the secret society known only by there initials, E.C.O.L.I. I thought you being a super hero would have known this ?"
"Well, I didn't. How do you know about this ?"
"Good reporting." Rolland said in a smug tone.
"I only know what I am told."
"By your friend, right ?"
"Yeah & other people."
-----------
At that moment, The Goth Haven Police Department is responding to a call on the east-side of Goth Haven, near the docks. A homeless woman looking through dumpster found a dead man near one of the dumpsters.
"Hey, you can't go past the yellow tape! This is a crime scene." An officer calls out to a man, who looks a little like a homeless man.
"It's alright." The man showed the officer his badge.
"Detective Squat. Why are you here ?"
"Well, Officer O'Malley. I have been on this case for about six months. Scientist disappear & turn up dead in alleyways with there necks cut. Who do we have here ?"
"According to his name tag, this is James Elliot. We put his name in our database & found out that he is a nuclear biologist from Parodipolis. He was last seen at the six months ago at a Science Convention."
"Anything else ?"
"No, not really. He throat was cut, blond on a corner of his lab-coat. Nothing really out of the ordinary. We'll have more when he we do the autopsy on him."
"Thanks, inform me when you have more. I got another lead to follow up on."
"Where can I find you ?"
"Check the crime lab on the fifth floor, I'm there most times." Detective Jack Squat said as walked back to his squad car.
"Another dead end." He says as he unlocks the door. He has no other leap, he just doesn't like being around dead bodies.
Jack gets in the car & drives away. His all seeing eye dog is sleeping on the back seat.
--------
Morning, Goth Haven.
8:50 AM
The apartment of A. Leonard
It's middle class apartment, nothing really fancy.
Asleep in the bedroom, there Amy lays, she is drooling a bit. Her radio turns on.
"Good morning, Goth Haven. It's a beautiful new day in Goth Haven. This is Rocking Randy on your radio dial. It's ten minutes before the hour & it's a bit chilly out there, so bundle up, ok ? At the top of the hour, we have a news report from Mary. The Lair Legion are holding a press conference today, what about ? Well, you'll just have to stay tuned to find out." The radio said.
She groans & hits the snooze bar.
20 minutes later, Amy hasn't moved much, her arm is still on the snooze bar.
"That was just Inflatable Monkey with there latest single: I'm a man who would love to ski down your pants & explore your winter wonderland. Before them was Britney Spears with the remix of her song: Hot, Sweaty, Jungle Love. Before her was Sting, Michelle Branch & The Beetles. It's 10 after the hour, Traffic is up next...."
Amy hits the snooze bar, again. This time she gets out of bed. She throws her comforter off her & walks to the bathroom, she yawns as she goes. It's early for her, normally she would sleep for another two hours but she has to get to one of her jobs. She doesn't work today at what she considers her "normal" job, it's closed on Mondays. She is going to the job she was forced into.
She is brushing her teeth & then her communicator goes off, it beeps a couple times. The communicator is a cell phone sized metallic device on Amy's night-stand.
With the toothbrush still in her mouth, "Hello! Yeah, this is her. Yeah, I know. Meeting at the 10 at the warehouse. Ok, Ok, yes, I know. I'll bring the doughnuts. Bye."
She puts down the communicator & finishes brushing her teeth.
As she leaves the bathroom, she wonders "Where did I put my catapult ?"
------------------
Fred finally got to go home from the Museum, Rolland Stone was done with him. After the questions, Rolland started to argue with him about super heroes. Fred thinks Rolland has had a couple bad super hero experiences. Fred snuck away & changed out of his costume in the Museum's bathroom. He walked out like any other normal person.
Fred gets home & goes directly to the bathroom to take that shower. It feels good & Fred stays there for at least 20 minutes to a half hour. Most of the time he was just standing there letting the hot water follow all over his body. Fred gets out & wraps a towel around himself. He turns to the mirror, it's fogged up. As he cleans the mirror, he can now see himself more clearly. He thinks to himself "When did I get that ?"
Fred is noticing the bruises, cuts & scabs the litter his body. He them looks at his bloody hands & notices that he shouldn't hit people anymore. Fred gets dressed & goes to the fridge for something to eat. He gets out some leftover that he took home from the Betty's family Thanksgiving he went to.*
* WRITER'S NOTE: For more info on that meal see the story: Meat & Potatoes, a meating of the food heroes. The Ham-Boy/Kid Produce Crossover!
Fred sits down on the couch & starts to eat, the food tastes so good.
------------
The Goth Haven Times Building in Goth Haven's Business district
The Goth Haven Times was founded in 1897 and has been published daily ever since except for a short period during WWII. GHT is tabloid in format like its rival, The Word Daily & Weekly. Since the mid-sixties, the publisher of the Times has been J. J. Sebastian, who began his journalistic career as a reporter for the Times while still in high school in the 40's. In the 60's, Sebastian purchased the then-floundering Times with money obtained from assets & inheritance, and turned the paper into a popular success. The Times revitalized the photograph dominated tabloid format. J. J. Sebastian has published magazines from time to time, including the revived Huh Magazine and the now-defunct Hot Chick on Chick Action Magazine.
J. J. Sebastian purchased the Lieber Building on 39th Street and Second Avenue in 1968 and moved its entire editorial and publishing facilities there. Now called the Goth Haven Times Building, the office complex is forty-six stories tall, and is capped by the Goth Haven Times logo in 30-foot letter on the roof. There are loading docks in the rear of the building, reached by a back ally. The top five floors are devoted to the editorial office of the Goth Haven Times, while the rest of the floors are rented and/or are used for printing of the paper.
Rolland Stone walks to his office, he looks to be very full of himself. Rolland doesn't like the Lower, less known heroes, he feels a sense of joy when he harasses them & make them feel inadequate.
"Stone !" yells his editor. "My office, right now!"
"Yes, chief."
"Don't call me chief. Sit down." said Edgar St. Croi, the chain cigar smoking managing editor of the GHT.
"What did you want to see me about ?"
"What the @#*% is this crap !" St. Croi said as he threw a pile of paper at Stone.
"It looks to be my lastest article, sir."
"Oh. Well, I think it's a pile of Donkey Dung. You got 4 hours to come up with something worth publishing."
Stone just sits there.
"Well, get going."
Stone goes to his office thinking that he would like to push his editor out a window.
"What the Chief want to see you about ?" said Benjy "Mad Dog" Curich, a fellow reporter.
"My Article."
"What the one about the super heroes of Goth Haven ?"
"Yeah, that one. What other article would he be talking about ?"
"I don't know."
Rolland goes into his office & slams the door. He sits down at his desk & starts to write a new article on his favor subject, Super Heroes & his hate of them.
-----------
Fred is asleep on the couch.
"Klaus, the monkey is eating your mother..."
".....No, I don't know the prefect time of day. But the answer to your other question is Poop, Cheese & iChicken."
"...Yes, I'd love to make out with you, Britney."
"....Orange you glad I didn't say bannana."
Fred then rolls off the couch on to the floor.
"Uhh!"
Fred looks around & sees that he has some messages, he presses the button.
*Beep* "First new message. Today, 10:15 am" said the answering machine.
"Hello, this is Amazing Guy. I'm calling to see if Ham-Boy is ok. We had a meeting last night & he didn't show up. Then, I had a family emergency to deal with or I would have called earlier. Ham-Boy, call me back to see when we could set up a new meeting. Have an Amazing day!"
*Beep*
"Next new message. Today, 10:39 am" said the answering machine.
"Fred, this is Betty. Sorry I missed you. Just called to see if you wanted to hang out, I guess your busy doing something. Call me if you want to do something."
*Beep*
"Next new message. Today, 11 am"
"Fred, honey. This is your mother, I know you got your super hero thing going for you but Piney Oaks isn't a far drive from Goth Haven that you couldn't make a trip here at-least once every other week or so. Call me back so I'll know when to expect you."
*Beep*
Fred gets up & the phone rings. Fred answers.
"Hello ? Yeah, Jack. I'll be right over."
Ham-Boy is needed & Fred doesn't want to go.
-------
Amy's Apartment, half an hour until 10.
Scattered around her apartment are her cats. They are special cats, they are atomic exploding cats. They are the reason she uses the code-name Kitty Boom Boom.
"Now where did I put that thing ?" Amy mumbled to herself at she searched her apartment. She is now dressed in her Kitty Boom Boom costume, a pair of hip hugging pants, A tank top, on her head is a headband with fuzzy cat like ears. Also on her head are a pair of googles, they protect her eyes from flying cat pieces. She also has a shoulder bag full of cats on. The only thing she is missing is her catapult (no pun intended). Amy can chuck the cats farther with the catapult, then with her just throwing them.
"Ah, there it is." She said as she strapped the catapult to her right arm.
"Now, do I have everything." She says as she goes over a mental checklist.
"Yeah, I think so."
As she leaves her apartment, some of her cats follow her. She has a cross town bus to catch to go get doughnuts & get to the morning meeting of the Disgruntles. Amy doesn't want to go to the meeting, she is getting the feeling that they don't like her but she goes anyway, she made a promise & that the reason goes.
---------------
Somewhere just outside our universe......
A meteor rockets through space. On it's current path It should reach earth in a couple weeks. Where It will land is anyones guess. If you listen closely you can here the faint sound of Llamas.
The End!
Next time in The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 4. There will be Llamas, Guest Stars Galore & a bar.
-----------
Footnotes:
You might have noticed that the beginning of this story was the same as "The Ham-Tastic Adventures of Ham-Boy, Numbuh 1/2: Haven't I done this before". I did that to avoid a Ham-Boy paradox. Which would have been bad.
